“Life and Love after Loss”
Someone died…Now what?
We make a vow “till death do us part” never contemplating that the circle of life will at some point have its way and that being alone again for one of the betrothed is inevitable.
So what happens to a husband or a wife that suddenly goes from having a partner in crime to being the Lone Ranger?
Cheryl: “When we come out of a long marriage, there are different stages of grief and different levels of grief for different people and how they process it.”
There are those who lose their beloved after decades of marriage, who find themselves lost in a world where their identification stemmed partly from being a couple. Their family and social lives revolved around doing everything outside of work together.
Then, there are those who lose their spouse way to soon where not only does the survivor have to grieve for their loss but become a single parent, while nurturing the broken hearts of the children mourning their loss.
Cheryl: “Two things; one of them is guilt and the other one is fear…a lot of the people who are losing their beloved, ones that I have encountered…when they are talking about their grief and their loss , they don’t necessarily want to get back into a relationship right away, some don’t want it at all…we are talking about that older generation…and then there are those that it was so good and they loved loving somebody, they want it again…in the matchmaking world, that’s the highest success rate.”
For many, fear and guilt stop them from wanting to move forward. “Guilt it is useless emotion” is not just a song, it’s about your fear of judgment by others. I invite you to read a great article on this topic in psychology today by Michael Formica:
Overcoming loss is a process and everyone will grieve and heal at a different pace dealing with various emotions such as guilt, hurt and even anger or regret. So how can one move on and create a new life for themselves?
Corrie: “People get stuck on…not grieving the right way. We’re all unique, grief is as unique to each individual as to whom they are, and how they experience the process that they’re going through. So for someone who has been in a long term relationship, there are many factors that we have to think about. It’s not that there is a right or wrong way to grieve. Feelings aren’t right or wrong they just are so for some depending on the relationship that they had.”
Does wanting to love and be loved take away from the relationship that was shared?
Corrie: “You don’t have to say goodbye in one relationship and it doesn’t negate that by going and choosing another relationship or trying to be in a new relationship…that you didn’t love the person, it doesn’t mean you’re gonna forget the person, or doesn’t have a statement about how you felt about that person.”
Dr.Bali: “We are mourning death to celebrate life of the person who is gone and fulfill all the dreams that the person had, we are still connected to the universe, even if the person is gone physically, spiritually we are still connected…to all that exists, so that feeling…even if my wife passed away…she’s with me I’ve talked to her, she responds to me.”
In fact, for many the desire to love again stems from knowing how fulfilling a truly authentic and caring relationship can be.
Corrie: “Fear and guilt tied together…that’s where people get struck… there is a huge difference and distinction between them … and that comes from judgement …”
Cheryl: “Trusting that the relationship that you had will always be there and honoring the fact that you had that relationship is so important.”
The toughest part for some widows/widowers is reclaiming their individuality as a person again. Redefining themselves and their desires for a future relationship as well as the type of person they want to share life with and how.
Seeking approval from those around us is a balancing act for some as well and often frustrating and unsuccessful. While those who love you truly want your happiness but their reactions can sometimes seem unsupported due to their own sense of loss and what is considered to be “protecting the memory of”. Remember, people grieve and mourn at different speeds. You may need to pump your breaks, but never have to come to a complete stop.
Cheryl: “We don’t grieve for the same amount of time, at the same speed and go through it in the same order…we don’t know where other people are in their process…we do go through it differently.”
Corrie: “I always challenge the guilt…for me guilt is when you’re doing something that you know you have knowledge of and you shouldn’t have done…and so where is that noise coming from? Usually it’s other people and what is the right way to do it, is there a right time to get back into the game…the answer has to be the right answer for you…so let’s explore where the guilt is coming from, and is it other people’s perception or is it your integration of other people’s perception of what you should do? I always tell people “Stop being should on”.
Dr.Bali: “Put in your consciousness that the right relationship is sitting there for you, waiting for you and it will show up when you are ready for it, if you have that positive image in your consciousness eventually that relationship will show up…you have to be focused, centered and absolute trust that you are the center of the universe and that the universe is there to guide you, protect you, supporting you every moment.”
Cheryl: “You have to know who you are and have a relationship with yourself…you have to honor and trust yourself to allow yourself to be who you are before you can really be in a relationship.”
Everyone wants to love and be loved. Once you have had a taste of that savory life, why wouldn’t you want to take a bite out of life and love again.
Cheryl: “Trust yourself and follow your intuition.”
The people we loved and lost are those who helped make us who we are today. They live on within us. Loving someone means you want them to live life to the fullest and so we must live again if that is what our hearts desire.
If you need any dating advice, please do not hesitate to reach out to me 1-844-744-SOLO (7656)!